Entries Tagged 'Humor' ↓

It has taken years to effectively know how to hug another man and only for the purpose of wanting to greet a friend. Well, for those of you who are still wondering how, look no further. The step-by-step instructions have all been put in a video for your ease. So, here is the video on how to give a great man-to-man hug.

VideoJug: How To Give A Great Man To Man Hug

“As the sun doth shine, may the grass on the other lot amidst the grassy, flowing folly.” –Amy Ronk (Carruthers)

I was given this bit of advice about two years ago and by a senior who was about to graduate from high school. You may be thinking that I didn’t complete the statement, that there should be more. The simple fact that this phrase is not a complete sentence or complete thought is what makes it a keepsake to be treasured. Although it is easy to be written off as a foolish attempt at a scholarly aspiration, I believe that there are some key principles about adolescents in society today that we can learn in this quotation.

First, the statement begins with the recognition that life exists under the sun, but it stops here. American adolescents don’t think beyond the physical life that they see in front of them. Nothing is interesting except that which brings them immediate pleasure.
Second, adolescents are always looking for the next thing to please them. They find one thing and then they realize that they aren’t really satisfied and so they look to the other lot to please them. The constant discontentment of many teenagers today proves that they only wish they have is to get something better.
The third and final observation is that the actual value and worth of the grass on the other lot is completely foolishness. It is worth nothing and will only result in disappointment. Learn and turn.

I have no idea if this is actually the original intent of the author, but this is what I saw.

1. When borrowing someone’s car you must never ask any questions about weird flashing lights on the dashboard. This step is essential to pushing the car too hard. You cannot ask about any problems that it has on a regular basis because that will only prepare you to keep the car in working condition. It is much easier to put the car in a seriously damaging situation when you know nothing about its quirks and normal problems.

2. Another key principle is to run the car for about an hour at freeway speeds. This gives the car enough time to surface anything that may be wrong. The only way that could be potentially easier to do so, is to go from stoplight to stoplight for a long period of time.

3. One of the most important steps to making a friend’s car non-drivable is to ignore all signs of a problem. For example, when you get out and the car is putting out a white, putrid-smelling smoke, you must completely ignore it and think that it is one of those weird regular quirks that you never asked about. If this step is avoided it is possible that you can actually save the car.

4. The final step to the demise of a borrowed automobile is to put the smoking, funny-sounding vehicle back to freeway speeds. Something that also helps this is to load it full of people and luggage before going back on the highway. Step number three must also be carried into this step, by ignoring the sights and smells of the car breaking down. Continue to hold your foot on the gas, until the car comes to a complete stop and won’t go anymore.

Mission accomplished!

PB – In case you are wondering, I can say from experience that these steps do get the desired effect.

Today, I have felt the full blow of the 2×4 of my own stupidity. I am a victim of the fast-paced American life and trapped by the very things that are made for safety. Locks on doors are useful and helpful. They help keep people from those things that you want kept protected. Locks only become a problem when they keep us from…well…our own stuff. For example, when the car door is locked and the very keys needed to open it are, in fact, inside, shining the glint of mockery off their reflective surface into your longing eyes.

As you may have guessed, this is the situation that I was in today. After eating half of my Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Bell, I decided to go back in to go to use the facilities. It was only seconds after I shut the door that I realized that I did not have those ever so precious keys. The irony in all of this, is that as I was getting out, I rolled up my window with the thought that it had to be up just enough, so that an arm couldn’t get through to unlock the door. Now, what seemed as a genius idea just seconds ago, now seems like I just pulled out a pistol and intentionally shot myself in the leg.

Well, the solution to the problem came in the form of a wrench that was purchased from Rite Aid. I unscrewed all of the screws that held the window of my canopy on and then proceeded to pry open the window. I had left the back window of the cab open and so in order to get my keys all I had to do was get through the one window in the canopy in the bed of the truck. I can only imagine what it would like to see a guy in the back of a truck struggling with the back window and claiming that it was his vehicle. Thank God that I wasn’t questioned by the families that were parked next to me or the paramedics parked across from me. Once the window was opened, it was just a matter of folding my body in the appropriate position to squeeze through the unreasonably small two windows, grab my keys and repeat the process. Needless to say, I finished my now soggy crunchwrap supreme and drove away hot and satisfied.

PB - I never did use the restroom.

After a long while, I have come back to my blog to tell a humorous story.

I went to the Jars of Clay concert in LA and enjoyed it greatly. I also recommend their newest CD, Redemption Songs, it is there worship album, in which they perform spirituals and hymns that have had their melody changed.

All that to say, I fell asleep on the way back to the college. I fell into one of those sleeps that many of you have seen me go into, where I almost hibernate and don’t wake up very easily. In fact, apparently, it is almost impossible. But my friends here at college have never seen me do that before, so when we arrived at school and it was my turn to get out of the truck, they trid to wake me up. But I was not responding. They soon thought that I was faking it and that I was really awake.

Someone decided that it would be a genius idea to wake me up by pushing me out the door. They thought that saying that, I would wake up, in fear of getting flung out the door. Well, being asleep, I continued…well…sleeping. So, continuing with their threats, they proceed to push my limp body off the seat and on to the rough asphalt below.

The first thing I remember is waking up with a sharp pain in my knee and looking up at those in the truck. I asked how I got there, and after a pause, they said, “well, we pushed you out the door.” I left the scene of the crime and proceeded to bandage my knee